It’s not looking good around here. Laundry is piled up beyond days, and I have a vague notion of a place called “the grocery store”, but I can’t quite remember what it is. When I have called my husband at work, sobbing for the 2nd time in a week that “I just can’t keep up”, he gently suggests it may be time to “quit the blog”.
The thing is, he’s right. I’m in no place in my life to take on an “added responsibility”, albeit one that is paid poorly to nill. I am tired. I run hard after my 2 and 4 yr. old all day, and generally count any day sans the smoke alarm going off 16 times as a definite victory. I am one hot, freakin’ mess.
And it’s not just The Blog that causes stress (and my husband knows this)–it’s keeping up with two active kiddos, and their playdates, and the snacks needed for preschool, and the Bible Study homework, and remembering the dog’s vet appointment. Everybody’s landscape of stress looks different, and some manage it so much better than others, but I think it’s a pretty rare thing to find a mama who doesn’t teeter in to stress-case territory once in a while.
As for this “added responsibility” that’s clouding up my own stress-scape? (don’t so many of us have an “added responsibility” of some sort?) The darn thing is I feel firmly called to use this (very weird, for sure) voice I’ve been given. I claim that it’s not about me, and while this isn’t 100% true, it is 95% not-a-lie and the thought of abandoning this unique platform that God has granted me makes me feel more than a little sick. I have worked so hard to build this and when even one person says something like, “You make me laugh so much” or “Thanks for helping me feel normal”, my heart kind of swoons and it all feels…worth it??
And if I’m honest, it’s not the time writing that is the problem. This part is healing, therapeutic, fun. It’s touching base with a love for writing that I let lay dormant far to long. The problem is the CONSTANT PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.
See, the thing is, every single post, be it blog, Facebook, or Twitter is a “laying on the line” of self. This might work awesomely well, except I am a decided introvert. I heal, repair, and restore through Alone Time. (as you might imagine, this aloneness isn’t readily forthcoming in the life of two young kids) Throwing myself out into the social media-sphere every few hours is not my comfort zone. It will never be my comfort zone.
Yet I remain convicted that our time on this earth is not about us. If this is something I am Supposed To Be Doing to encourage or give foot to faltering others…pass the laptop, this blog is on. Maybe I can just find a way to do it in a deep, social-less hole??
So where does this leave me? In the deep depths of my stress-scape, loving and respecting my husband and our family, striving for balance. Praying and working to minimalize all the non-necessary corners I can (no, my ceiling fans haven’t been dusted since we moved in, and yes, that’s really gross) and to prioritize the important stuff, like trips to the park with the kids and Duck Dynasty nights with my husband, and the rare moment I snag alone to rejuvenate myself.
But there is always pressure over how to manage it all, and there is always confusion over what the heck to do with the pressure…
What I do know? I appreciate each and every single one of you who pop by and humor me with the posts I write, and who support me as I navigate this nasty beast of Facebook and social media. I am learning, growing, and I know not where this venture will take me or where it is meant to go, but I so appreciate you being here with me.
And I’ll take ANY stress-scape management input you have…or just company as I hang out here, trying to figure it all out. xo.