Lest you’ve ever felt things have ever been slightly out of control in 2015, this re-post’s for you…and here’s to fresh starts, friends!
I’d like to report that Monday, the three year anniversary of my mother’s death, ended up being a day of blessing, a day of reflective happiness spent with my children, niece and sister. Instead, I drove the minivan through the garage door.
You know that AllState commercial when the garage door is shattered by the foolish home owner? THAT WAS ME.
I’d love to share happy, gainful sentiments on how the death of one’s mother can be a beautiful self-growth experience. But I cannot. Because I was an idiot.
I could blame my daughter’s incessant 3-yr. oldness for my break with sane, rational precautions. Like opening the garage door before I drove through it. I could blame my continued destabilizing grief for not thinking clearly. I could blame preschool for the last-minute curve ball of needing to find the perfect solution for Dr. Seuss Hat Day.
The truth? It was all these things.
But I was still an idiot.
I very cautiously guarded who I could share my mess with. Because it was so very real, so very desperate, and so very, very messy. With that one horrific crunch of metal crashing upon metal, everything quickly fell into a rather dark state.
I wasn’t just mad and sad, I was hurt. I was ashamed. I felt alone in my stupidity and lack of ability to get it together. And truth told, I might have bottled up my circus show and privately berated myself for the pain of my mess, except…
My sweet sister. She visited shortly after the savage garage door attack. As I expressed my disillusion with my life with her through broken sobs, she very sagely, kindly, cautiously suggested that I am not the only one in this world who does stupid things.
Huh. I still refused to believe that anyone could be as big as a fool as me, but wondering if there might be truth to her bold insight, I ventured to tell a few others of the colossal disaster my day had become.
And you know what? Almost everyone else had a story of some bone-headed move they’d rocked with their own vehicles. Tales of walls side-scraped, parking meters nailed, even getting stuck teetering on top of a median. My sister was right; I am not the only one who has done something fantastically stupid with their car.
I am not the only who has cost my family 1500 unavailable dollars by doing something really dumb.
I’ll be vulnerably honest, readers, I am still in that dark place, still furious with myself and genuinely doubting whether I will ever competently function on this earth.
But I will accept this: I will accept that I am not the only one who has been in this crappy place.
And lest you are in this place too, my only prayer is that you will confidently know you aren’t alone either. Supposedly there is a flip side. Supposedly someday we will laugh about tossing money at maintaining our homes after we’ve attacked them in our fits of foolishness.
In the meantime, cozy up here for a hug. I love you; God loves you. And there is a really fabulous circus show going by that we are privvy to watch.
First image credit: depositphotos.com, image ID:11093496, copyright:HASLOO
Second image credit: depositphotos.com, image ID:10629308, copyright:ersler
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Janine Huldie says
You are most certainly not the only one and hope you know that by now. We are so in this together, my sweet friend!! 🙂
Always! xo 🙂
We can’t have nice cars because I hit things all the bloody time. Always going 5 mph or less. Garage door and sides of the house are my favorites, but I also hit random poles and one time another car, causing much damage, while inside a parking garage. You are not alone!
Laura, this makes me feel so much better 🙂 Thank you!
Cynthia Gabriele Sprouts Consignment Boutique says
Ohhh you are not alone! A week before Christmas my husband was downstairs working on the lathe making some Christmas presents. I had just gotten home so I went upstairs to get my slippers. I hear him yelling my name & merely replied I am upstairs. Suddenly I hear EMERGENCY!! Well I flew down the stairs to what looked like a blood bath in my hall & kitchen. He had lost his temper & threw a piece of wood he had been working on, when he threw it it he sliced his wrist deeply with the tool in his other hand. Nurse mode: cleaned it, looked at the gaping wound & the blood pumping out….hmmmm”can you move your fingers, can you feel your fingers…all positive. lots of bandages & pressure & the bleeding seemed to subside. Best go to the ER & have a doc look at it. First they ask if he was trying to commit suicide to which I wanted to offer no but I may just kill him myself. Sitting there for 3 hours I am ready to leave since there is no current bleeding but I first tell a nurse I am really annoyed, give him a tetanus shot & we will leave. Shortly, & I mean shortly after a wonderful PA comes in & starts looking at it. No bleeding but deep wound. She gives him a shot to ease the pain of the stitches she is going to put in his wrist. Then the bleeding starts again like there is a nick of the artery…another two doctors & it is determined he nicked an arterial branch. 7 stitches later, $100 poorer we leave & get home at 1:00 am. Stupidity runs rampant sometimes & we can only be thankful he didn’t do more damage & that I didn’t do any damage to him. He was humiliated over his anger & what happened but, we survived.
Never feel alone, there are so many others who have done stupid things but can never admit it.
Oh my goodness! What an exciting holiday story! Cindy, I love you. Thanks for sharing your crazy and for being so boss and smart and seeing your husband through. xoxo