I’d like to report that Monday, the three year anniversary of my mother’s death, ended up being a day of blessing, a day of reflective happiness spent with my children, niece and sister. Instead, I drove the minivan through the garage door.
You know that AllState commercial when the garage door is shattered by the foolish home owner? THAT WAS ME.
I’d love to share happy, gainful sentiments on how the death of one’s mother can be a beautiful self-growth experience. But I cannot. Because I was an idiot.
I could blame my daughter’s incessant 3-yr. oldness for my break with sane, rational precautions. Like opening the garage door before I drove through it. I could blame my continued destabilizing grief for not thinking clearly. I could blame preschool for the last-minute curve ball of needing to find the perfect solution for Dr. Seuss Hat Day.
The truth? It was all these things.
But I was still an idiot.
I very cautiously guarded who I could share my mess with. Because it was so very real, so very desperate, and so very, very messy. With that one horrific crunch of metal crashing upon metal, everything quickly fell into a rather dark state.
I wasn’t just mad and sad, I was hurt. I was ashamed. I felt alone in my stupidity and lack of ability to get it together. And truth told, I might have bottled up my circus show and privately berated myself for the pain of my mess, except…
My sweet sister. She visited shortly after the savage garage door attack. As I expressed my disillusion with my life with her through broken sobs, she very sagely, kindly, cautiously suggested that I am not the only one in this world who does stupid things.
Huh. I still refused to believe that anyone could be as big as a fool as me, but wondering if there might be truth to her bold insight, I ventured to tell a few others of the colossal disaster my day had become.
And you know what? Almost everyone else had a story of some bone-headed move they’d rocked with their own vehicles. Tales of walls side-scraped, parking meters nailed, even getting stuck teetering on top of a median. My sister was right; I am not the only one who has done something fantastically stupid with their car.
I am not the only who has cost my family 1500 unavailable dollars by doing something really dumb.
I’ll be vulnerably honest, readers, I am still in that dark place, still furious with myself and genuinely doubting whether I will ever competently function on this earth.
But I will accept this: I will accept that I am not the only one who has been in this crappy place.
And lest you are in this place too, my only prayer is that you will confidently know you aren’t alone either. Supposedly there is a flip side. Supposedly someday we will laugh about tossing money at maintaining our homes after we’ve attacked them in our fits of foolishness.
In the meantime, cozy up here for a hug. I love you; God loves you. And there is a really fabulous circus show going by that we are privvy to watch.
First image credit: depositphotos.com, image ID:11093496, copyright:HASLOO
Second image credit: depositphotos.com, image ID:10629308, copyright:ersler
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Janine Huldie says
I am totally sending you some hugs from me today and I have had my fair share of these types of moments, too. Trust me, you seriously aren’t alone and I am a klutz from way back that can trip over my own two feet on any given day!!
Janine, I love you. Thank you for always, always being so real!
Carley Iannacone says
You are my favorite.
And you are mine. xo
I pulled out of our garage once, not realizing that, the night before, my husband had shuffled cars around. I pulled out and backed directly into HIS CAR. That’s right – I manged to damage TWO of our own cars in one shift to reverse. Humbling for sure, but I’m not the first.
Well, this does kind of help, Meredith–and no, you are definitely NOT the first!
I used to mow my parents lawn using the riding mower. At different times I have: Mowed down 10!!! freshly planted trees. Taken out an entire hedge of hydrangeas. Mowed through the solar cover of their pool (twice), and run into the side of the pole barn, causing damage to both the barn and the mower. You are not alone.
This makes me feel astoundingly better. Also, please come mow my lawn.
I once attempted a u-turn in the entrance to a bike path and got the front of my car stuck on a barrier that I’m assuming was put there to stop people from doing exactly what I was attempting! You are not alone. Sending you hugs!
That’s pretty neat, Kari 🙂 Thank you for sharing, friend.
You’re definitely not alone. Just last year, I backed out of our garage with the hatch opened. Got stuck–of course I did–and in a fit of panic, pulled forward, effectively yanking the garage door AND framing down onto the car. This was shortly before Lyla was born so I blamed baby brain, but if I had to keep track of all the idiotic things I’ve done since 2009, I would just depress myself.
Hang in there–there’s sunshine after the storm, so say many Motown singers.
This is just amazing. And I love you. Thank you.
hugs and i think i can safely say, all of us have done things that were not the best. all of us.
Thanks, kbesth. Those hugs appreciated 🙂
I blame a lot of things on the kid- having a 3 year old in preschool is so hard. I probably did more stupid stuff then, than ever. And before you know it, it will be your kids driving the car doing something stupid. Just a few months ago, 2 different neighbor kids drove into their garage doors.
Big hugs to you.
Frugie, this perspective helps a lot–especially from someone on the other side of this 3 yr. old-ness. xoxo.
Stacey @nursemommylaughs says
Looks like your Mom got you to focus on something other than her passing. I know how hard this has been for you. She was watching out for you and giving you some perspective on what to stress over?
At least you didn’t put the vehicle in “D” and plow into the house! 🙂 Much hugs. And it’s only money, Sugah!
Stacey, this is gorgeous perspective–and I think you are totally right. Also, yay for not driving into the house! xoxoxoxo
My husband backed my brand new car into his brand new car. It was the first time we had had car payments in ten years AND we had a backup camera on my car AND it did the warning beeps yet he still managed to do it. It’s been two years and we still haven’t gotten either car fixed because we can’t afford to…because we have two car payments lol.
Oh gosh, Lyla…I’m so sorry. Thanks for being so real right there with me 🙁
Sherry @thesimplehive says
Thank you for sharing your circus show and for the encouragement. I’m sending you a warm hug and prayers that your days will cooperate with you! I found myself laughing as I read this. Not at you, but at the fact we all find ourselves is ridiculously terrible places sometimes and they’re not all behind us.
I love the part where we can laugh at this…because really, in the grand-scheme, we CAN. 🙂
Oh, sweetie. I told you the story about the time I was the lady in the the bridesmaid’s dress who rear-ended the parked car in front of me at the stop sign. Oops. And once Eddie ran over one of those cement things they use to divide parking spaces at the mall and had us teeter-tottering on that thing, similar to the median story in your post. Also, once my mom saw a spider in her car and screamed and ran right into the car in front of her at a stop sign. (It’s in my genes.) We all do dumb stuff.
Honey, I love you. And this makes me feel a whole, whole lot better. You, your mom, and Eddie rock my world 🙂
Do you remember when we were meeting on a Saturday morning for a consignment sale and I forgot Chris had a test car in the driveway? I backed up quickly, not really looking, garage door open, BUT scraped along the entire length of the brand new Acura that was not ours in the driveway! Hurt my van and that car that was so expensive and so not ours! I feel you and have been praying for you during this tough anniversary time. XO
I do remember this! And I know how hard that was. Thanks for getting it and not thinking me totally crazy. xoxo
Kathy at kissing the frog says
Sometimes it does feel like you’re the only one. That’s why you have to talk about it. Then you never feel alone. xoxo
Well said, so very well said. Hugs.