Dec 072012
 

Welcome to anyone stopping by from the More Than Mommies link-up!  I’m glad to have you are visiting and and happy to be cohosting again this week.

Tell me I’m not alone on this. I really struggle with the fact that my husband just doesn’t get it.  He is a very good man, and a very smart man, but the fact remains that our lives are just entirely different right now.

He gets to leave the house.  Alone.  Without kids and moreover, without sippy cups.  Could you imagine leaving the house without the brightly colored plastic vessels that have become the bane of your existence?

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Sometimes it seems like a lonely path

I digress.  When I get frustrated with handling the upteenth temper tantrum of the day, I try to explain things to him, but it doesn’t really work.  The thing is, our day-to-day couldn’t be more different.  He goes out and participates in the world and I take care of our world, who lives inside our home.

He is very active and involved with with caring for our kids, but even if he would rock out a whole Saturday alone with the kids, he would still not have the same experience as I.  Summoning up the patience for one day is unlike summoning it up for 5 days in a row.  So despite my best efforts to communicate my feelings, he can never really understand how it feels because he never really walks in my shoes.  And I never really walk in his shoes either.  I can only imagine trying to balance between work and family.  I know he works hard, so hard at this.

So are we just screwed with never really being able to understand each other?  Maybe we never will fully “get” each other, but I’m learning that this is okay.  While we may never  fully get what it’s like to be someone else, whether we’re married to them or not,  I don’t think that’s the point.  I think we each try to do the job in front of us and then just try our best to support those around us.  God gives us each the exact load in front of us that He knows we can handle.  My husband isn’t ever gonna really “get” my load, but that’s okay.  I’ll just need him to help me carry it once in a while, right?  Especially when the laundry basket is really heavy ;)

I think a lot of people are in this boat of not feeling “got”, so at least we’re in it together, right?  Parenting, life in general, or whatever you have in front of you can be a tricky, lonely road.  But there are others who are are walking down it at the same time, trust me.  And in the meantime, I’m going to try not to be too insanely jealous that my husband gets to pee alone.

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Meredith blogs at The Mom of the Year, dedicatedly earning her title one epic parenting fail at a time. When her kids aren't busy pummeling each other with Legos or requiring their 16th sippy cup refill of the day, she tries to offer quick, relatable laughs for fellow parents of the world and all their empathizers. She remains entirely terrified by crafts, promises to never share any useful household tips, and is fully committed to a less serious look at the world of parenting.

Latest posts by Meredith (see all)

  38 Responses to “Feeling “Got””

  1.  

    Meredith, I think you know from my blog, you are so not alone. For love that all is holy, I would love to pee alone just once, lol!! Seriously, though I get it completely and same here wit my husband. I love him so very much, but he never completely get it.

  2.  

    Hi Meredith! I’m not rocking the SAHM thing yet, but it looks like I will be when we move. I guess I’m just saying thanks for your honest insight on the topic. I think it helps for me to have a better idea of what in going to be getting myself into!

  3.  

    I sometimes feel not gotten, but I’m way on the other side of the spectrum. I’m not a sahm, actually my husband is a SAHP (stay at home papa) except without any of the housework part of that title. I hate that I have to be away from my kids so much, but love that they get to spend the days with their papa. It’s funny to hear my friends complain how their husbands don’t want to relieve them after a long day at work, though. No way I would be able to pull that. I’m on duty the minute I walk through the doors every afternoon.

    •  

      I think no matter what you do exactly, it’s so easy not to “feel got”. I’m sure your husband adores you, Robin, for being so very “on duty” the instant you get home!

  4.  

    It’s just like that in my house, too. With one kid it drove me crazy. Now, with 2, it drives me even crazier. At the same time, we both have our strengths and the days that I really honor that are the best days. When Baby #2 first arrived, he really stepped up with #1 and allowed her to explore her inner-tomboy. She’s a lot more rambunctious now, but they have this amazing bond.

    •  

      Yes! Somehow it did get so worse with 2 kids instead of just one, Jeannette! And so cool that you can recognize your different strengths–very neat that he has such a special bond with your daughter.

  5.  

    You are so far from alone in this! I always tell my husband that no matter how stressful his day was, no one cried and tried to climb up his leg the entire time he was peeing. I don’t think you can “get it” unless you do it. I’m sure there are things I don’t get about his day either though and that’s just the way it is I guess!

    •  

      Hilary, I think there is something about the group peeing that just takes us over the edge. Like it’s the one last sacred alone thing we’re “supposed” to have, but…gah!

  6.  

    I so agree with you. I had a bad night last night. baths, homework, dinner, etc. I started thinking about the little things I do that make things so tiring. Like remembering. Remembering to check to make sure we have clean socks for school, or clean jeans.Remembering to locate all shoes so we won’t be late the next morning because someone can’t find theirs. And all the endless clutter pickup. I ask for help, and my husband “helps” from the couch by telling everyone what to do. Go brush your teeth, go pick up your toys, go put your PJ’s on. But he doesn’t “get” that there is a wake of mess that happens while they are doing this. Water on the bathroom counter and floor, toys and were missed, socks on the steps…etc.
    He doesn’t “get” that THESE are the things I really need help with.

    •  

      Debbie, I can absolutely understand what you are saying! Sometimes I fee like what really gets me is all the stuff I can’t exactly explain in words–like remembering, and the “wake of mess” (love this phrase and will now be using it) that happens throughout our day. You explained my feelings better than I could here, thanks!

  7.  

    Oh Meredith. There you go getting in my head and writing exactly how I feel again! :) While it’s hard knowing that my hubby will never truly “get” how I feel on a daily basis, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this. At least we have each other to commiserate with, right? For now, I’ll continue to dream of someday escaping to the real world again! Haha!

    •  

      I still think this would be so perfect, Kristy! Let me know when we’re meeting for our cup of coffee–we’ve got a storm of stuff to chat out ;)

  8.  

    Though I was only a SAHM for, like, eight months, I will always remember it as the hardest job I have ever had. And that is is really bad for the entire household of mommy stays home… :) You have balls of steel, girl.

    •  

      Synnove, I’m sure you work your butt off! And oh, how I wish I had balls of steel–that would make this all so much easier!

  9.  

    oh how well i remember these feelings—if my husband hadn’t pretty much taken over when he got home i don’t think i could have made it—-blessings and joy are wished for you today<3

    •  

      I will always take your blessings and joy, Lynn. I think you are so fantastic, and I’m sure you do remember these feeling so well!

  10.  

    So true, Meredith. This is why I love reading other mommy blogs. Because they “get it” in a way my husband never could. As with your family, my husband is very hardworking and very involved, but I don’t think he has any idea what’s involved in simple tasks, like trying to make a meal while the baby is throwing tantrums, or trying to leave the house.

    •  

      It is the simple stuff that slays us, isn’t it Laura? Ugh…all just that impossible minutia that fills up our day. Trying to leave the house = would rather bang my head against a brick wall ;)

  11.  

    Yes! This so resonates with me. I am constantly making futile attempts at making my husband “get” me, but most of the time I feel like I’d be better off running on a hamster wheel. It’s like he’s going one way, I’m going the other, and ne’er the tween shall meet. Oh, well. He tries. Most of the time. I think.

    •  

      You “think” ;) Ha! Love this. Hey, let me know if there’s room on that hamster wheel for me–we could burn off some serious calories in the process!

  12.  

    Oh, I get it! I hate feeling like I’m on a seperate page than my husband, but the truth is? I always am. You are not alone!

  13.  

    From the moment we had our first…this is absolutely TRUE! Two totally different worlds we live. He will never get it, and I will never get his world. As hard as we try or don’t try. It is what it is. Love your honesty!

  14.  

    Why do I not copy the comment before I hit submit in case it gets lost somewhere? Ugh. I typed out a long one basically saying that I totally get this. I resent that he gets to shower every day and I sometimes forget when the last time I did was. I resent that right now he is sitting at a basketball game while I am sitting in a house that looks like a bomb went off in it and am about to embark on a battle of wills with Gia on going to sleep. Good times. I get this…fully.

    •  

      Ha! I’m sorry, AnnMarie. This happens to me all the time too with commenting. You totally do get what I’m talking about, and the shower thing…yeah, that’s one of the worst. Hoping you somehow score a nice long hot one this week, my friend!

  15.  

    I’m laid up after having an appendectomy and the kids are with my in laws (and I see them every day for a few hours), and the husband has ‘taken over’ the household chores of laundry, dishes and feeding me. He reckons it’s er, easy. Yes, honey, it’s easy when you don’t do the cleaning and looking after two kids under 3, you’re just helping your wife who can’t get around easily. BUT, he’s doing his best and he does work hard at providing for us (I would not trade my life for the stress of his work), so I don’t complain.

    Being on different pages is okay. As long as you’re on the same book. :)

    •  

      Gah! Hoping for quick healing from the appendectomy and that you aren’t in too much pain! That said, you’re right–they do their best, I know. And I love what you said about different pages being okay as long as we’re in the same book–perfectly put :)

  16.  

    Amen. He’s so involved and such a great dad, but sometimes I swear he thinks that I’m sitting around all day doing nothing. And I think he’s so freaking lucky to go out and be with adults everyday, but I forget that he’s working his a** off so we can have everything that we do. The times we’re the happiest are when we’re actively appreciating each other the most, but neither one of us is perfect so these times ebb and flow. Mostly flow, though. I love him like crazy.

    •  

      You said this so well–it is the best when you can “actively appreciate” each other. This can take a lot of work and effort, but is more than worth it. Sounds like you’ve got a really great guy, and awesome that it’s “mostly flow” :)

  17.  

    I’m so late in reading and commenting (and didn’t even link up last week—YIKES!), but I wanted to let you know that I, too, struggle with this “feeling got” thing. I often envy my husband for getting to leave the house and go to work. I have to check my ‘tude because I’ve been there, done that, and now I’m blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I think we need to remember it’s not necessarily important that the husband (or the friend or the mother-in-law or the…) “get” us; the important thing is that the kids get as much of us as possible. You’re doing a great job, Meredith! (You need to live closer so we can digress together! Heck–maybe you do and I just don’t know!)

    •  

      You put this so well–love “check your ‘tude”, and “the important thing is that the kids get as much of us as possible” is so, so true. That is the most important thing and absolutely where our focus should be. Thanks for stating it so perfectly clearly, Stephanie.

      And yes, how great would it be to get together and hash it all out–maybe you do live right around the corner and we don’t even know! :)

  18.  

    I think we all experience this to one degree or another. Even my sister, who works and commutes as well, has a different experience than her husband when it comes to the kids.

    I think it’s okay. You’re there to complement and support one another. (Not compliment, but that’s nice too, sometimes!) If you had the same experience day in and day out, what would you have to talk about??

    In the meantime, you have your mom-friends and bloggy friends to commiserate with. :)

    •  

      You’re right, Deb. Having different daily experiences is a good thing, normal and healthy too. And thank goodness for all these friends we do “get it”!

  19.  

    Great and honest post! So true! (I’m that mom with that husband!)

    Thank you for ‘telling it like it is’ (even if sometimes we wish it weren’t so).

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