I could make a bunch of arguments as to why Star magazine is quality literature and deserves boatloads of accolades. Granted, these arguments would make more sense if a) you were stupid and/or b) the margaritas had been flowing for some time – but I could make them.
I think the real bummer of totally lauding this magazine would be losing any shards of respect I pretend to maintain. I’m not sure I can handle this. Hey, a girl has to at least fantasize that she has some dignity, right?
So without debating the quality of Star, let me factually report all the positive ways the magazine has changed my life. Just the cold hard facts, people.
1) If I am able to complete the “more difficult” sudoku puzzle in the back in under a week, I feel like a genius. They call it “more difficult” for a reason. Not everyone can figure it out on such a timely basis and maintain their strict 9pm bedtime. This is hard stuff.
2) I feel pretty boss when I can rattle off a random fact about a latest celeb hook-up. It may not be nightly-news-worthy, but I am connected with the world. I know something that is going on and it has absolutely nothing to with where the latest hot park playdate is going down.
3. Dinner conversation. My husband is thrilled to have solid matters to discuss when he comes home from work.
4. My level of senseless compassion has grown. I have no idea why I just want to squeeze Kim Kardashian and tell her it’s okay to take off the hideous non-maternity clothes she’s been wearing in her third trimester, but I do. I just like the girl. Stone me now.
5. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. My friends love me enough to pretend to be happy when I pass on the issues, whether they really chuck them in the garbage as soon as they get home or not. And if I wasn’t able to finish the sudoku, they can feel smarter than me when they easily solve the puzzle.
6. The sense of accomplishment when I finish an issue cannot be matched. Dishes may be piled, I may have not showered in days, and the odor from the trash may be scary, but dangit! I COMPLETED SOMETHING. Check that one off the list, baby!
7. I read about celeb’s lives in chaos and suddenly feed incredibly normal. Normalcy seems so rare in my life.
8. Thanks to Star, I am beyond fashion-savvy. Heck yeah, I know what a peplum top is! I’m casing out the latest line at Walmart as we speak and planning a big $8 purchase soon. I. do. fashion.
9. When The Office and 30 Rock both went out this year, I still had a solid entertainment option to fall back on. Oh good night, did I just categorize Star with 30 Rock? I am so sorry, Tina Fey…
10. I see pictures of celeb mansions and while a movie room would be cool, praise God I only have 2.5 bathrooms to clean. Please, please do not burst my bubble here and point out that if I was that rich I would have multiple cleaning ladies.
The facts have it. Star magazine is a blessing.
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