|I know, you can’t tell by how well I maintain my classiness,
but the heat index was actually 108–feel for me a little.
We are in the thick of wedding season right now. Weddings are great. Sure, I won’t lie–I definitely have my characteristic planning freak-out usually shortly after the initial invitation (Who will babysit? When will I have time to fight with their registry at Bed, Bath & Beyond? Will we be able to clear our schedule of everything else?). After these crises work themselves out, this Mom of the Year is good to go for a wedding. It’s just fun to hang out with my husband, family, friends, whoever is there. And oh yes–get me in my groove and I can seriously rock out the dance floor with some very happenin’ robot moves. Oh yes.
It has been a while, though, since we’ve been to a wedding, so I was giving myself a little refresher course on some basic etiquette that I may want to stick to. I’ll share my list here and if you have anything to add, please chime in. I really am hoping to make a good showing this season and not do anything embarrassing, like jump up and flee from the middle of the minister’s sermon b/c I am having a nasty diarrhea attack or something–not that this has ever happened…
1. The man sitting beside you is not your child and is probably old enough to cut his own steak. DO NOT lean over and start dicing it up for him out of habit.
2. Do not misinterpret the quiet meditative portion of the ceremony as naptime. If you fall asleep and drool it may be very hard to play this off, especially if you have to stand up and give a reading later. Don’t take the risk. Keep pinching yourself.
3. When they call for the prayer before the meal, this is the adult-version of a meal prayer–do not break into a vigorous rendition of “Johnny Appleseed” or “Open-Shut Them”.
4. Yes, the kids aren’t with you. Take a change of clothes anyway. This relates back to aforementioned possible diarrhea crisis. Trust me on this one.
5. Even if it’s heat-indexing 100+, you’ve gotta keep your legs together. Sure, you want to “let it all air out”, start dramatically fanning yourself with the placecards and pouring the ice water over your head. Not good form. Save the water dumping for the baby pool and suck it up.
6. Do not start yawning at 8pm b/c it is getting close to your bedtime. Other adults will look at you weird. Take a flask, fill it with expresso, and pound it as furtively as you can. Yes, people may see you and question your alcoholism, but at least they won’t think you are lame and can’t stay up late.
|You see gorgeous, I see breakable…|
7. Avoid getting into a debate about Mickey Mouse vs. Curious George. Of course, I get the penultimate importance of this subject, but apparently there are other things happening in the world that people care about more. Something about Obamacare, Eric Holder, and an upcoming Presidential election??
8. Don’t break anything. Plate, glass, whatever–please, let’s just skip the breaking for a night.
9. Similarly, don’t knock over a candle. Let them burn, let them illuminate and look pretty–don’t get close. In fact, let’s just maintain a 10 ft. radius to be safe.
10. Resist the urge to horrify other wedding guests who don’t yet have kids with tales of how scary/gross children can be. As in, don’t start sentences with “The other day, when my son was eating his snot…”. This is very tempting, I know. But weddings are all about love, so don’t spread the hate. Plus, if you make having children sound glamorous, perhaps these other guests will get knocked up and be the crazed harried couple with the baby at home at the next wedding.
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