It occurred to me that my readers who are not currently rockin’ the diaper changing scene might appreciate an opportunity to reminisce, prepare for joys yet to come, or generally just share in this delightful process. If you don’t have access to a little one, but still want to join in the fun, here is what you need to do:
|Yes, because this works…|
1. Try to wrestle a large bag of feisty snakes into submission for several minutes. Get tired, give up, and then make yourself keep trying.
2. Go ahead and just smear the white pasty diaper cream all over your hands, arm, face and clothes. In real life, you end up wearing more of this goop than the baby does anyway.
Note: this does not apply to the colorless stuff like Aquaphor or A&D ointment. This is only true of the super-sticky, impossible to wash-off, white stuff like Desitin or Balmex.
3. Accept that the usual rules for choking hazards do not apply. As in, as long as the lid of lotion, diaper cream, oinment, etc. is closed, it is not only good to go, but in fact quintessential to keeping your baby occupied during the change.
4. Start throwing things that matter to you and that you use often into a dark corner of your house. Apparently, every baby nowadays comes complete with a dark vortex known as “the area behind the changing table”. Yes, you will miss these lost items, and you will be very irritated that they’re gone. And yes, after purchasing your 4th pair of baby nail clippers within a month, you will be Not Happy.
|Nice! Best reason I’ve seen for using
cloth diapers in a long time…;)
5. Write your eulogy now and when you get to the “Major Life Accomplishements” part, be sure to include “Keeping the Huggies industry in business” at the top of the list. You will never, ever get a thank you card–it’s cool though, everyone with kids gets it and is giving you props.
If you follow all of the above to the letter, you have basically encapsulated the experience of changing a baby’s diaper. Welcome.