Jun 242012
 

It occurred to me that my readers who are not currently rockin’ the diaper changing scene might appreciate an opportunity to reminisce, prepare for joys yet to come, or generally just share in this delightful process.  If you don’t have access to a little one, but still want to join in the fun, here is what you need to do:

Yes, because this works…

1. Try to wrestle a large bag of feisty snakes into submission for several minutes.  Get tired, give up, and then make yourself keep trying.

2.  Go ahead and just smear the white pasty diaper cream all over your hands, arm, face and clothes.  In real life, you end up wearing more of this goop than the baby does anyway.
Note: this does not apply to the colorless stuff like Aquaphor or A&D ointment.  This is only true of the super-sticky, impossible to wash-off, white stuff like Desitin or Balmex.


3. Accept that the usual rules for choking hazards do not apply.  As in, as long as the lid of lotion, diaper cream, oinment, etc. is closed, it is not only good to go, but in fact quintessential to keeping your baby occupied during the change.

4. Start throwing things that matter to you and that you use often into a dark corner of your house.  Apparently, every baby nowadays comes complete with a dark vortex known as “the area behind the changing table”.  Yes, you will miss these lost items, and you will be very irritated that they’re gone.  And yes, after purchasing your 4th pair of baby nail clippers within a month, you will be Not Happy.

Nice!  Best reason I’ve seen for using
cloth diapers in a long time…;)

5.  Write your eulogy now and when you get to the “Major Life Accomplishements” part, be sure to include “Keeping the Huggies industry in business” at the top of the list.  You will never, ever get a thank you card–it’s cool though, everyone with kids gets it and is giving you props.

If you follow all of the above to the letter, you have basically encapsulated the experience of changing a baby’s diaper.  Welcome.

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Meredith blogs at The Mom of the Year, dedicatedly earning her title one epic parenting fail at a time. When her kids aren't busy pummeling each other with Legos or requiring their 16th sippy cup refill of the day, she tries to offer quick, relatable laughs for fellow parents of the world and all their empathizers. She remains entirely terrified by crafts, promises to never share any useful household tips, and is fully committed to a less serious look at the world of parenting.

  20 Responses to “On Diaper Changing”

  1.  

    I don't do diapers. In our household I'm in charge of inputs only. Diaper changing is special daddy bonding time.

  2.  

    Snort! So kind of you to allow him that special bonding time…

  3.  

    The desitin tube and toothpaste tube are two of the things that actually occupy my son so I can do a Nascar pit stop diaper change. We have it down to a science!

  4.  

    Honestly, I had very few “wrestling matches” with my son during diaper change years.

    I do recall one dicey incident when, my son worked himself into such a rage that he somehow managed to push himself off the changing table, sliding down the back, and ending up on the floor below. The poor chap did a complete flip–starting out on his back and finishing up on his face! Not a scratch on him, thank goodness. That was the moment when I realized it was time to do away with said table, and use the floor instead.

    I did 90% or more of the diaper changing in our household. If the truth be known, I had to show my wife how it’s done. The number of solid pampers my wife has changed on our son, can easily be counted on one hand. Wet changes were no problem. But if it smelt like a sewer line had broken, well, that was left up to me.

  5.  

    It's been quite a long time sine me and the Missus had to deal with diapers, but thanks for bringing back those memories, except for the reminder of how bad the diaper pail smelled.

  6.  

    I mastered the choke hold with my son…wait…I just didn't admit that.
    I am so glad we are well beyond these fighting matches.
    Now the battle of getting him to wipe his own butt ensues.

  7.  

    lol! Very true! I always say it's like wrestling alligators!

  8.  

    Oh yes, the dark vortex! I think we pulled the changing table /dresser away every few months just to retrieve all the binkies they threw back there during diaper changes.

  9.  

    Ahhh, the ole' “try to distract the baby” tip. The only thing that I've found that works is a little thing that I call “throw a leg.” this is whn I sit on the floor with baby and throw my leg over his belly to both keep him still and prvwent him from touching his poopy penis. Works like a charm and it's over in a snap. Thanks for the giggle tonight!

  10.  

    So true…diaper time=DRAMA! I've gotta try the throw a leg technique. I love that cloth diaper idea, too. :p

  11.  

    Hahaha. So funny. And true. Love the part about the area behind the change table…My daughter used to LOVE her change table. When she was a newborn, the change table was the only thing that would calm her down when she'd cry. Now, all of the sudden, she hates the change table! Thanks for commenting on my blog. Just discovered your blog and I'm glad I did! I'm your newest follower! :)
    -Laura
    http://www.strollerparkingonly.com

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