May 232012
The stuff of Mommy’s fantasies…

1. The resulting laundry-lode would make the piles of bibs and burp cloths from the newborn days look paltry.

2. I would spend significant time fantasizing about having all the carpets in my house replaced vs. trying to actually clean them.

3. I would be so driven to desperation trying to manage the aforementioned urine-soaked laundry with a crazy-busy baby, potty-training toddler and psychotic dog that the words “I’m putting you in charge while I go down to the basement to put this load of laundry in.  Make sure nothing bad happens” would actually come out of my mouth.  Yes, this is a mini-pop quiz as you try to figure out whether infant, canine or 2 yr. old was so wisely left in charge.

4. I would absolutely hate the process.  This is one of those well-guarded secrets from those who have gone before, along the lines of “marriage will be hard” and “babies scream–a lot”.

5. I would be terrified to leave my house in fear of having to logistically handle a “public accident”.

6. My son would consume an obscene number of candy bribes through this process.

7. I would be scared of peeing on my own toilet in my house b/c, let’s just be honest, it’s gross what is going on in that bathroom nowadays.

8. Once again in my life, I find that I am jealous more not of people who don’t have kids, but of people whose kids are older and who have have this hellacious business behind them.

9. Bathtime would become relaxing because it’s a “free pee” scenario.  As in, not awesome if you pee in the tub, but at least there is no subsequent carpet-scrubbing required.

10. Putting pants on your child would seem excessive–just one more article of clothing for him to pee through and for you to wash.  Definitely just flash around those fancy underpants with a cartoon-character-themed print.

Hop in on the fun!  This post is linked up at the Theme Thursday Link-Up:

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Meredith blogs at The Mom of the Year, dedicatedly earning her title one epic parenting fail at a time. When her kids aren't busy pummeling each other with Legos or requiring their 16th sippy cup refill of the day, she tries to offer quick, relatable laughs for fellow parents of the world and all their empathizers. She remains entirely terrified by crafts, promises to never share any useful household tips, and is fully committed to a less serious look at the world of parenting.

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  28 Responses to “Things No One Ever Told Me About Potty-Training”


    It may seem even scarey-er, BUT, try letting him run around (inside the house!) with NOTHING on his little bottom. Keep the potty seat handy and on an easily cleanable surface (like the kitchen) and pump him full of liquid. With little boys especially, there's just something about having all that fresh air “down there” that makes them much more aware of their potty needs. Good luck!


    We actually did give this a go! Thanks for the suggestion, though–maybe we'll just send him over to your house and you can work some Susan-magic on him? 😉


    These are so funny. I hear you about the candy bribes and the laundry load. I got to the point where I was just throwing the soiled ones out. No one should have to clean that up out of underwear. Ewww! 😛


    I completely commiserate with #4 & #5. I have three kids, the last one is turning 2 this summer and this feat is yet again ahead of me…(sigh)….and I'm not so great at it. As a matter of fact, I let daycare (my oldest went to daycare) potty train my oldest and when I actually had to do the second one, I waited until two months before her third birthday to even try. Just another reason I will not receive the Mother of the Year Award. I really enjoyed your post, I found you on “Finding the Funny.” I posted on there too, Bottles to Potties: Laughable Advice (


    just remember your child will not be going to the prom in diapers…my last 3 kids told me they don't want to wear baby diapers anymore and that is how they got “trained”
    for me it was easier in diapers.


    Ha! Yeah, it's quite the roller coaster, isn't it? I loved your list! I am wondering who was left in charge still… :)


    Rediscovering–on my way now to check you out 😉 Annemarie, thanks for the sentiment, but at this point I'm figuring on just putting diapers on the college packing list. Kelley–honestly don't know who is in charge at this point–very subjective, don't you think? 😉


    I'm right there with you! I totally agree with not wanting to leave the house. It has been 8 years since I potty-trained anyone and the memory of doing it escapes me. I wasn't ready to start but my daughter had other ideas so here we are. In potty-training Hell.


    Just saw you posted this to #findingthefunny. Thanks for linking up!


    I hear your pain. We are in diaper countdown and will likely be out of diapers by tomorrow morning, so bring on my strong-willed 3 year old daughter, the potty training will happen. . . hopefully it'll 'click' sooner rather than later, or housebound we will be! Hang in there!


    AnnMarie–so, so sorry for your “Hell” and obviously, right there with you…;( Jennifer–go rock it out tomorrow! Keep me posted! :)


    I'm right there with ya, sister! Although my little one will sit on the potty forever, she waits until I put her diaper back on to do. So we'll probably be doing the free range thing soon. ick


    I'm one of those who has it way behind me. But I will say that letting them run outside as much as possible limits carpet cleaning. The other tip is that teach him to stand when he pees….. Otherwise, you have to teach that part all over again. And the mess of aiming wrong starts all over again. Good luck!


    When our daughter was almost completely potty trained, she looked up at me one day in Kroger's and said, “I just peed”. Yeah. It was leaking down the seat. So I raced to the potty and stripped her down, only to realize I had no underpants or pants in my bag. SO I left the food in the cart and dashed across the street to Wal-mart with my PANTLESS 2 1/2 year old. I kept her on my hip the whole time so nobody could see past my arm that she was actually just hanging out there for the whole store to see.


    Motherhood–ick is right! Seriously, does it have to be this gross?! Jen–good tips with the standing pee scenario and outside time. Jester Queen–dying, dying, dying over that story–you truly deserve a Mom of the Year award for that one! Amazing stuff :)


    ok, so Leah woke up dry and then has not had a single pee accident. yeah! however, she decided to poop in her panties. . . awesome time here! but I think she was grossed out, so hopefully it will not happen again! how's it going in your world?


    Even with the poop in the panties (I'm so sorry for you!), I'm jealous. That's how well it's going…;)


    This is awesome. I totally forgot about the joys of potty-training as my youngest potty-trained child is 8! My daughter is almost 11 months, so I needed a reminder. Why, oh why, did we put hardwood floors in our kitchen and bath downstairs? And would it be socially acceptable to put down plastic throughout the house during this trying time ahead?


    Michelle, I definitely think lining the floors with tarps is the way to go 😉


    We really did tarp our sofa (then put beach towels on top, so as to save the furniture from 'accidents.' I wish you all the luck in the world. 3 days later Leah is fully potty trained with only 1 accident in the last 2 days. And, as amazed as I was she took herself to the bathroom to do #2. Wahoo! I'll be your biggest cheering fan if you need a supportive call. Just let me know!!!


    SOOO funny! I thought those days would NEVER end! I actually didn't even ATTEMPT to potty train my youngest (of three). Actually, that's not true. I SWORE I wouldn't because I tried to not succumb to the pressure of others when potty training, but it's hard! My oldest daughter used the potty periodically when she was two. I swore I wasn't going to “train” her (because my son pretty much did it on his own, UNTIL I got involved, and the same thing was happening with my daughter), but you know how people around you can be when it comes to potty training (and EVERYTHING!). Grandparents and well-meaning friends always had something to say about it–only making me feel like a horrible mother. We moved across the country and knew no one, so that helped! I remember on her third birthday, my mother called and said, “So what are you gonna do for your birthday today?” Her response? “I'll tell you what I'm NOT gonna do…I'm not gonna go pee pee in the potty!” I stopped even trying that day figuring that no child wears diapers in college and within a few months she made the decision to do it. We never had an accident–EVER and none of my kids ever had to wear diapers at night (this sounds like I am bragging–I'm not–they did SO MANY OTHER THINGS–like peeing in the tub and bathing in it…DO NOT miss THAT!). I really think it is because I never actually “trained” them–they did it when they were ready. So after all that, I actually did try to train my youngest–I did the game thing…made a board and colored in random squares where she would earn a sticker–then there were special squares (about every two stickers at first (to keep her interested) and every four or five stickers as we neared the end of the very long, extremely windy game board. It worked–i think we only had to go through one board. I remember trying M&Ms with my son (my first) and he would say he had to use the bathroom eleven times a day so he could get an M7M–that was when I thought that training wasn't for me! The sticker/toy thing worked because it wasn't every time and she got to see her progress on the board. I actually employed the same thing into a sleeping board, but that is another very long story for a different day! Sorry about how long and rambly this is! I found you on the Finding the Funny hop and am now following. Thanks!


    Go you, Jen!! That's awesome! And Niki, thanks so much for all your input–I appreciate it and am now going to go check you out/follow you. And am glad my son isn't the only one who pees solely for the sake on M&Ms!


    This is too funny! My son potty trained at 2-1/2, we tried when he turned 2 but the pipes weren't connected to the brain – resulting in a crying child running toward the bathroom with pee running down his leg. So, the pull ups went back on. I actually left him alone and figured he would potty train when he was ready. For us, “ready” was at about 31 months and it was over in a week. Usually, the more you push to potty train, the more they push back to NOT train – especially if they aren't ready. Usually when they are ready, they just kind of “do it”. My sisters and my cousin tested the theory with their boys (after a drawn out PT Hell and no luck) and it worked great. I have also found (via my sister-in-laws luck) that the more you push when they aren't ready, the longer it takes. Hope this helps you! Best wishes and lots of cool breeze in your PT hell!


    Shara, thanks for this–very appreciated and helps validate our current “waiting until he's ready” status (read: sending diapers with him to college).


    HAHAHAHAHA! I am not really looking forward to potty training! My husband keeps saying it will be glorious once we hit that stage, but all I can think is: it’ll be easy for YOU, YOU won’t have to deal with it!

    It’s the public bathroom part that I am dreading…



      Yeah, I’ll just be honest–I hate it all!! But the public restrooms are especially yucky for sure. And yes, my husband definitely doesn’t have the same experience with this that I do!


    I am just coming out into the other side, my friend! And life is good here! OMG. We have spent big bucks buying underwear and treating them like they were diapers because if it got pooped in, it was being thrown out! I just couldn’t take cleaning them anymore! I opted to stop getting a mani and pedi just to increase my Dora the Explorer underwear budget!


      I know! Who wants to wash that out? It took about two such messes before I declared us “not ready for underwear! Worth the cut in pedis for sure :)

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